The Problem with Breasts
When we were younger, Joshua, the youngest of three boys, who was probably not more than 8 years old at the time, asked my mom, “Mom, right, when you’re pregnant your breasts get bigger?” My mother, who was always very patient with us, explained, “Um… Yes, Josh. You see when a woman gets pregnant her breasts produce milk so that adds to the size. Why’d you ask?” Joshua answered, “Is Pamela Anderson always pregnant?”
Goodbye Cable TV.
Before Joshua Was Infamous
It all started with a big plastic container – a big plastic container with all sorts of memories. A few weeks ago, I pulled out some of my junk collected through the years, and along with my racoon skin cap, clumsy sketches, and a modest collection of academic awards, was a letter to me from my dad dated November 18, 1988 and written on Barclay stationary. (Barclay was a company my dad founded and later sold and not to be mistaken for the Barclays Bank.) Here is part of what he wrote:
“Dave, behave yourself, obey your mama and be a good friend to your brothers. Most especially be patient with Joshua. I love you.
Papa Joey”
In 1988, I was 4 years old and Joshua was 2. He was already driving me nuts at 2. He still does 20 years later. I’ve done my fair share of pranks on him as well. I used to watch the movie Die Hard over and over again, which is not something I suggest parents should allow their young children to watch, especially since the lead character’s most famous lines are “Yipeekayay Mother F-bleep”. My excuse was that it was the only movie I ever watched with my grandfather, my mom’s dad, and it reminded me of him. Still, they didn’t really allow me, but children can be resourceful. Anyway… Joseph would be in school, so Josh would stay with me and watch violent movies I snuck in. After watching, we’d play out the movie and shoot each other with toy guns. During one of our shootouts:
Joshua: David, you son of a b-bleep. (Of course he didn’t know what SOB meant at the time)
Me: What did you say?
Joshua: I said you’re a son of a b-bleep.
Me: Wow, you’re so smart! Let’s go tell mom the new words you learned.
Later
Me: Josh, tell mom what you told me.
Josh: Mom, David is a son of a b-bleep.
Mom: What??? Come here!!!
Joshua would later ask my mom for a list of curse words he was allowed to use.
My Mom Painted My Ass Red for Painting the Wall with Mud
As kids we got the rod a lot. I think I got spanked the most. My mom even broke a hairbrush on my butt, not on purpose though. I could never understand why I got spanked for things Rambo or John McLane did. I mean, show me one time where Rambo’s mom spanked him for covering himself with mud. And of course the white walls had to have mud too, that’s the whole point of camoflauge! I remember arguing with my mom:
Me: What did I do?
Mom: What did you do??? Look at the wall!
Me: What about it?
Mom: It’s brown with mud! Why did you do that???
Me: I told you I was hiding. I had to have camoflauge. I can’t hide if the wall’s white! They’ll shoot me!
Nerd Alert
Joseph on the other hand was a good kid, the kind of performance-oriented child that brings pride to the people who conceived him. He was always smarter than us, including my parents, and knew that certain things were just wrong. I don’t remember him getting into trouble a lot. I think it’s because he was always reading or doing push-ups or handstands. Joe would never play the role of a bad guy – not even when we’d play bad guys which meant everyone had to be a bad guy! So Josh and I would be Billy the Kid and Jessie James and Joe would insist on being Wyatt Earp! Wyatt Earp!!! As early as back then he understood that criminals are not supposed to be glorified. Josh and I would make fun of him for being a nerd, but we were both really jealous of his intellect. You would be too if you had a sibling who asked for H2O whenever he wanted water.
