I’m not known for being a very romantic guy. (Which is a misconception. I actually am.) But I’ve decided to enter the proposal planning business. I thought about it really hard and it was such an obvious decision. I mean, there just isn’t any other industry that will allow me to fully utilize my evident strengths which are sensitivity, and a complete and deep understanding of romance and females. (Maybe besides writing a book on “How to Love Your Female: Cultivate a Relationship That Lasts beyond 3 Months”, but this would be a little too easy for me.) Besides ordering people around has always come naturally to me. And even better, I already have my team:

1. Flowers and Candles by Anna Moran with sought after Candle Lighter Jonathan Murrell
2. Styling by Jen, Janina, and Ryan Punzalan
3. Creative Watcha-ma-call-its by Linnie Lareza (with no extra overtime charges)
4. Video and Lighting by JA Moran and Paolo Punzalan
5. Constructive Criticism by James Murrell

And my personal favourite:

6. Bossed-Around-Do-Everything-I-Say-Guys Paolo and Darwin

The Competition
Now, I’ve scoped the field and there’s really just one competitor I’m worried about:Ganns Dean’s Perfect Proposals. He’s had a head start and has proposed to more females than I have. I’ve never actually proposed to anyone. It’s sad, I know. But at some point you get used to the females doing the proposing and it doesn’t bother you anymore – and this is my competitive edge: I know how I would like to be proposed to.

Anyway, I decided to try some spy tactics and interview Ganns himself:
(Paraphrased)

Me: Ganns, do you still have that proposals company?
Ganns: Why yes. You planning to propose?
Me: Well, yeah…
Ganns: Great! I didn’t even know you had a girlfriend.
Me: You know me. I’m really private about these things.
Ganns: Ok…
Me: But you know that feeling, when you keep thinking of someone, and no matter what you do you can’t get them out of your mind? Like no matter what focus techniques you use to block them out they still dance around your brain?
Ganns: Yes! I first felt that way with Debbie Gibson.
Me: Who’s Debbie Gibson.
Ganns: My first crush. Then she came out on playboy and that destroyed the dream.
Me: So you know how it feels. Like that last piece of crap that won’t come out no matter how much psylium husk you drink.
Ganns: You’re so romantic. Here’s my advice: To thine own self be true. If you ask her in a way that’s un-you, it isn’t authentic. And she probably knows you well enough to know.
Me: And if she doesn’t like me then what?
Ganns: You are one of the most charming, articulate young men I know. I’m sure she likes you. And if she doesn’t, well, it’s not the end of the world.
Me: It’s not? How’d you feel when Debbie Gibson fell out of your life?
Ganns: Dude, she was a blonde, blue-eyed Jewish singer. I was this pimply adolescent Filipino. But I’ll tell you this, when I did ask my first girlfriend to be my girlfriend, it was at a piano, and I was making the words up as I went along. That’s who I was. It’s the same thing with you.
Me: So do you think my crap analogy will work?
Ganns: Um… No.
Me: But what happened to being true?
Ganns: That’s the exception.
Me: Ok. We’re dead.

And here’s the winning line,

Ganns: It’s not about the batting average. You step up to the plate, you take a deep breath, you swing, and you hope you hit a home run. If it doesn’t work, you get another chance up at bat. If you don’t get another chance, there will be other ball games.

I thought that was a brilliant way to put it. Then I remembered hearing something like that from the movie Martian Child, and I wondered if Ganns was actually an extraterrestrial.

The First Test
After my little reconnaissance of the competition, I did what all sought after proposal planners do – I waited to be sought. It didn’t take very long until, by purely word of mouth, I got a first client, my brother, Joseph.

Joseph: I need your help Dave.
Me: I know you do. I’ll help you because I’m an expert at these things and know all there is to know about proposing. I just need you to tell me “David, I love her with all my heart” because love is the currency of the heart and I’m all about heart, and that is my reward.

Ok, that wasn’t believable at all. It didn’t go anything like that. It was more like:

Me: You do know that you’re going to be stuck with her if you do this?
Joseph: That’s the point, Dave.
Me: Right.

To make a potentially long story short by removing all the feminine interest angles, we succeeded in helping my brother in his suicide mission. And that’s exactly what it was: a suicide mission. To love someone is to lay your life down and die to yourself. And we planners are guilty of euthanasia.